100 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do in Middleearth
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: Everything you shouldn't do if you want to survive in Middle-earth...yet the Fellowship and friends are going to do it all anyways. After all, where's the fun in war without a little chaos? Oh dear...It looks like Sauron will have a lot on his plate.
1. 1 through 5

**This story won't be going in chronological order.**

**I don't own **_**Lord of the Rings, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, **_**or**_** The Wizard of Oz.

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_1: I will not give hobbits green hair and orange skin and call them "Oompa Loompas"._

Frodo sat up from his bundle of blankets and yawned. The sun was bright, not a single cloud was in the sky, and everything was looking fantastic. Aragorn and Boromir were already by the fire, cooking a light breakfast. Frodo grinned at his two friends. "Good morning!"

Aragorn and Boromir grinned and looked away, clearly smothering a fit of laughter. Frodo frowned. "What's so funny!" But Aragorn and Boromir didn't respond, for they had burst into uproarious laughter.

Bamboozled, Frodo glanced down at the stream in front f him--and discovered his hair and skin had been dyed green and orange, respectively. Glancing at the other members of the Fellowship, only Sam, Merry, and Pippin had this same problem.

"You silly Oompa Loompas," Aragorn said, grinning at his short little friends. "Always getting so worked up."

"Ooh!" Legolas exclaimed. "Sing a song for us!"

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_2: I will not swallow the Phial of Galadriel to see if it will shine inside my stomach._

"Darn it all!" Frodo shouted, kicking out at the wall in frustration. "Sam, have you seen the Phial of Galadriel anywhere?"

Glancing up from the stew he was making, Sam shook his head. "No, Mr. Frodo."

A loud whooping came from a few yards away. "What the--" Aragorn unsheathed his sword, looking alarmed yet calm. But the noise was merely from Pippin, who now had an odd lighting coming from his stomach.

"Pippin," Legolas glanced at the young hobbit, alarmed. "What is that?"

"Well, you see..."

"PIPPIN!" hollered Frodo. "Is that the Phial of Galadriel?!"

"Well, yes, but--"

"GIVE IT BACK!"

"You will get it back! ...In about a day or two."

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_3: I will not eat popcorn during dramatic moments._

"You cannot fool us with your words, Saruman!" Gandalf bellowed dangerously. All was silent, and apprehension was in the air--until a loud crunching sound interrupted it all.

Everyone glared at Merry and Pippin as they grinned. "What? You guys don't like popcorn? This whole adventure could be something in one big movie trilogy!"

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_4: I will not ask Saruman if a house fell on his sister._

Saruman ignored the hobbits' attempt at comic relief. "Gandalf, can't you understand? I am not evil, I have merely become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Join me!"

The thing is, you can never shut up Peregrin Took. "Mister Saruman? I have a question."

Saruman turned his cold eyes onto Pippin. "What is it?"

"Did a house fall on your sister? Because that would explain why you're such an evil idiot."

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_5: I will not claim Sauron's Eye watches me while I'm showering._

"AHH!" came the scream of Frodo Baggins. Gandalf glanced up from his book in alarm What could possibly be troubling Frodo here in Rivendall?

"Gandalf!" Frodo cried, fear evident in his voice. "I felt Him watching me!"

Gandalf shot up from his comfortable seat and ran to Frodo. "Frodo!" Frodo sprinted into the room. "Frodo, when was he watching you?"

"It was so awful, Gandalf!"

"When, Frodo?"

"Well," Frodo's look of terror changed into one of sheepish humor. "I was in the shower...Maybe He is a total creeper, you know?"

Gandalf sighed to himself and muttered, "Hobbits!"

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**So that's one through five. Ninety-five to go! What was your favorite?**


	2. 6 through 10

**Due to the large amount of feedback already, I decided to post the next five early! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Lord of the Rings.

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_6: The One Ring is not my bling._

Frodo glanced down at his chest, where the One Ring was dangling. "Wow, Sam, I feel so gangster today!"

Gollum gazed hungrily at the Ring, while Sam just asked, "Mr. Frodo, why do you feel gangster?"

Frodo smiled. "Well, I have my bling! Isn't it pimp?"

Gollum glowered furiously at the hobbit for his obvious lack of respect for the Ring.

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_7: I am not a paparazzi._

Aragorn strode out of the large tent in Rohan when an obnoxious chatter interrupted him. "Aragon!" Merry said as he yanked out a microphone. "What is the status of your love life? Who were you meeting in that tent? Was it Legolas? Are you two gay? How long have you two been seeing each other? When--"

Merry spoke no more, for Aragorn had punched him in the face, knocking him unconscious. No one screws with Aragorn. And he was definitely straight.

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_8: I will not roast marshmallows in Mount Doom._

"So this is Mount Doom..." Sam hollered over the roar of lava.

"It's the perfect temperature, isn't it, Sam?" Frodo replied with a grin.

"You bet!" Sam whipped out his pack and yanked out a bag of puffy white marshmallows. They put several on skewers and roasted them in the heat.

When Gollum arrived, the scene before him had him completely puzzled. "Mallows?" he muttered to himself. "What are those?"

Sam whirled on Gollum faster than you could say "tater". "MARSH-MAL-LOWS. Roast 'em, bake 'em, stick 'em in a stew!"

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_9: I will not shave Gandalf's beard..._

The first thing that Gandalf noticed when he woke up was the lack of hairiness on his face. He immediately darted to the nearest mirror and noticed that the world had come to an end: Gandalf's beard was GONE.

"ARAGORN! I AM GOING TO SHOVE MY STAFF UP YOUR--"

"It wasn't me!" Aragorn cried with fear, for Gandalf as one of the only things that terrified Aragorn enough to wet his pants. "Legolas did it!"

"LEGOLAS!"

Legolas could be faintly be heard outside, dashing away and laughing his head off.

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_10: ...Nor will I shave Legolas bald._

"AHH!" Legolas shrieked as he felt his now bald head. "GANDALF, I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU!!!"

Gandalf had finally gotten his revenge. There are two things about wizards: Don't meddle in their affairs...and don't screw with their hair.

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**So...My favorite on 1 through 5 was probably 3. My favorite on this one is #8. How about you guys?**


	3. 11 through 15

**Wolf: I'm pretty sure this is the fastest I've ever gotten reviews on a story, so THANK YOU ALL! Reviews are the writer's bread and butter, in a way.**

**I don't own **_**Lord of the Rings, Spider-man**_**, the Macarena, or **_**The Simpsons Movie.**_

**Number 15 was inspired by my friend xXRandom NemesisXx, even though she didn't directly give me the idea.

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_11: I will not follow Gollum with an accordion and insist he must dance or else._

Gollum/Smeagol treaded the murky, swampy ground cautiously as he searched for some of those delicious fishies. Peering into the muddy waters, Smeagol spotted no fishies. Suddenly Smeagol's search for fish was brought to a halt as strange music attacked his ears. The word "accordion" was popping into his head for some reason, but he couldn't remember what it was, his mind being tainted by the filth of the One Ring.

"Dance, Stinker!" Sam said as he played more notes on the instrument. "Dance or else!"

"Smeagol doesn't understand why he should dance!" Smeagol cried, wary.

Sam groaned. "Stinker, I'm just bored and it's fun to annoy you! Besides, you're liek a little monkey and I can be the carnie loser! Dance or I will take the Precious for myself!" Hey, it was only a bluff. Lucky for Sam Frodo didn't overhear.

Furious, Smeagol did some odd parody of the Macarena as he glowered at Sam with all he had.

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_12: I will not make a tree house inside an Ent._

On another day in the woods with old Treebeard and the other Ents, Pippin was bored. No pipeweed, no homemade meals, nothing to do except think up random crap with Merry. It was then Pippin got a brilliant idea: They would build a tree house! Although hobbits normally preferred homes close to the ground, these two hobbits had just spent an awful long time riding on an ancient, walking, talking tree, and they were now accustomed to it.

Picking out some nice and large pieces of scrap wood, Pippin and Merry attempted to climb the nearest Ent. As a matter of fact, the Ent permitted them to climb to the top--but when the duo attempted to hammer the boards into the Ent's head, he hurled them off. Nobody degrades an Ent.

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_13: I will not wolf whistle when Aragorn and Arwen are making out, nor will I shout "GET SOME!"_

Immediately after Aragorn was crowned King Aragorn, he grabbed Arwen and kissed her fervently.

This would have been a perfect moment for the new king, were it not for the loud whistling noises coming from the back. And the voices..."GET SOME!!!" they were shouting.

Aragorn _knew_ those voices. Sure enough, it was Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam, and even Legolas and Gimli. He reached for the sword hanging on his belt; they ran for their lives.

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_14: I will not sing the Spider-pig song when in Shelob's lair._

Frodo stepped through the dark, damp, and dangerous cave, feeling very unsure of everything. Eyeing a spider web, he raised an eyebrow. Gollum must've smoked too much pipeweed, because you'd have to be high to think this was a safe passage! There was probably a big spider somewhere. Or Spider-pig...Frodo began to sing:

"_Spider-pig, Spider-pig! Does whatever Spider-pig does! Can he swing from a web? No he can't, 'cause he's a pig! Look out, here comes Spider-pig!"_

Gollum was shocked by the hobbit's antics. Did this guy have no sense of self-preservation? Idiot! Gollum bet he would probably fall into a volcano due to his own stupidity as well.

As a matter of fact, Gollum had his thoughts slightly backwards.

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_15: I will not "poke" Sauron's flaming eye with a pitchfork._

The Eye of Sauron swept its gaze through the world of Mordor, searching for his precious One Ring. Though his search was fruitless, nothing else was going wrong...until a blur of silver and brown flew directly into the fiery eyeball.

Far below, in the midst of bloodshed and war, Eomer eyed his handiwork with a feeling of pleasure. His newest stunt would put everyone to shame! He could fight anyone and probably beat them as well! ...Except for Eowyn, of course. Not that he'd let everyone know that his sister could kick his you-know-what all the way to the Shire and back. No, it was better to keep quiet about everything.

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**So what was everyone's favorite this time around? My favorite was definitely #13. This chapter wasn't as funny, but I wanted to save some of the hystericla ones for later.**

**By the way, does anyone know any good Harry Potter AU stories? I've been looking, but it'd be nice if someone could help me out. It's for my community.**


	4. 16 through 20

**Wolf: Wow. This is probably the fastest I've ever gotten reviews. Thanks you so much, everybody! You guys rock Dobby's socks! (Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Harry Potter**_**).**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Lord of the Rings, Power Rangers, **_**or **_**The Princess Bride**_**.

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_16: I will not shout "GO, GO, POWER RANGERS!" before slipping on the One Ring._

Frodo glanced despairingly at the surrounding Ringwraiths. This was hopeless! They were all going to die horrid, painful deaths! But he had the Ring...the One Ring to rule them all, blah, blah, blah, you now the story.

Frodo snatched up the One Ring. "GO, GO, POWER RANGERS!"

Sam, Pippin, and Merry all gaped at the spot where Frodo had just been, shaking their heads at the mindless hobbit.

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_17: I will not give a hobbit a pedicure._

Legolas stroked Pippin's hideous toenail with practiced grace. The shiny red paint quickly spread over the yellow piece of dead cells, making it shiny and refreshed. "You have go in nice, easy strokes like this, see?"

Gandalf was suddenly standing over them. "Legolas Greenleaf, what are you doing?"

Legolas smiled. "Oh, you know, just helping improve the beauty of a hobbit. Their feet really need work!"

Gandalf backed away, disturbed.

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_18: Wormtongue is not listed on the Middle-earth sexual predator list, no matter how creepy he is._

Eowyn sighed as she brooded within the court of Rohan. This sucked royal Oliphant! King Théoden was reduced to nothing more than a rumpled sack of potatoes, Eomer was far away (and Eowyn didn't know if she'd ever see him again), she was trapped forever in this _prison_, and worst of all, she was being stalked by--

"Hello, my dear." Clenching her fists, Eowyn spun to face Grima Wormtongue, the planet's most vile and disgusting creeper. "Your uncle is not doing so well, I fear."

Eowyn smirked. "You know, you should back off right now."

Wormtongue just frowned. "And why is that?"

Eowyn placed her hand on a well-hidden sword. "Didn't you know? You're on Middle-earth's sexual predator list."

Astounded, Wormtongue leapt backwards. After about ten seconds, he regained his composure. "Sexual predator list? Silly girl, there is no such thing!"

Eowyn tightened her grip on the sword, grinning. "Wanna bet?"

In all technicality, Eowyn had all rights to attacking and maiming Wormtongue. So she did. After all, it was all in self-defense, right?

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_19: I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts._

"MWUAHAHA!" Aragorn cried as he unleashed his sword. "Friends! Enemies! Quadrupeds! All shall fear me!"

Everyone else was silent. It was now nighttime, so the Fellowship had settled down to relax for the night. Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Boromir, Legolas, and Gimli didn't even bother to gaze upwards at the strange Ranger. "And why should we fear you, Aragorn?" asked Boromir, indifferent to Aragorn's exclamation.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm the Dread Pirate Roberts!" Aragorn yanked a black hood over his head. "EVIL SHALL RUE THE DAY THEY STOLE MY PRINCESS BRIDE! DUN, DUN, DUN!"

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_20: I will not send Gollum to rehab._

"Must have the Precious!" Gollum shrieked as Sam slipped the rope around Gollum's neck. Gollum grasped at the taut rope, but to no avail.

Frodo frowned. "Sam, we should take him with us. And take the rope off, it's painful to him!"

Sam opened his mouth to loudly protest, but then he shut it. There was a better plan, right? There had to be! And just like that, BOOM! He had one.

"Mister Frodo, I have an idea..."

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_Soon..._

"NO! NOT THERE! SMEAGOL DOESN'T WANT TO GO THERE!" But Frodo and Sam simply shook their heads as they dragged a kicking and screaming Gollum into the rehabilitation center.

A man dressed in simple, pristine white clothes was waiting for them. "Hello. Has your friend recently been acting completely out of control, attacking, biting, and sometimes attempting to steal your shiny jewelry due to a peculiar addiction of some sort?"

Dang, this guy sure knew what he was talking about! "Yes, we are." Frodo responded.

The two hobbits handed Gollum's leash to the man; he didn't even blink at the sight of the ropes wrapped around Gollum's neck. Then the two headed off into the distance, traveling to the perilous Mordor.

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**Wolf: So what was your favorite? I liked 20!**

**Anyways, eighty more to go! The last five will be incredibly epic, I assure you. I'll save most of the best for last.**

**For all of you **_**Harry Potter **_**or **_**Star Wars **_**fans, I have another story in the works that I'll start once I finish one of my current stories! You can vote on which one on my profile.**


	5. 21 through 25

**Wolf: Wow...thank you all for the reviews! They're like a cool frappucino on a hot day!**

**Anyways, I don't own **_**Lord of the Rings or the Powerpuff Girls.**_

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_21: I will not deliver pizza to Isengard._

All was quiet in Isengard. Why was it quiet, you might ask? For starters, a lot of people were dead. Everyone else were either prisoners or evil, blabbering nitwits. However, this is getting off-topic.

Saruman sat up in his tower, looking so dark and pathetic that anyone would certainly want to punch him in the face right then and there. Of course, revenge would be knocking at his tower's door soon enough...

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!

Saruman's head snapped up. Who could that be? He hadn't seen anyone on the streets. Perhaps it was Gandalf...but surely...

Walking down the stairs with his swagger on (It made him look even moremoronic than ever), he opened the door--only to discover two curly-haired hobbits, one of them holding a flat, steamy box.

"Pizza delivery!" said Pippin Took.

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_22: I will not give Legolas a mirror for Christmas._

"Merry Christmas!" Aragorn exclaimed as he and the Fellowship all clapped each other on the backs. Rivendall was just outside the window, looking quite beautiful. Each of the new friends passed each other presents, all feeling full of good cheer.

Legolas weighed his present from Aragorn in one hand. The Ranger had said it was fragile, but what could it possibly be? Gently removing the paper (for elves never shredded anything apart like _savages)_ Legolas was shocked to discover his own brand new mirror! Naturally, he did the first thing any elf in their right mind would do, and checked out his hair. It had to be prim and perfect!

Boromir rolled his eyes at the elf. "Appearances really are everything to him..."

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_23: I will not refer to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli as the Powerpuff Girls._

Annoying techno music played as Aragorn, Leoglas, and Gimli raced across the field.

"Blossom!" said a booming voice as Gimli huffed and puffed, running as far as his stubby legs could carry him. "Bubbles!" Legolas lithely sprinted past Gimli, who was now being smothered in Legolas's dust. "And Buttercup!" Aragorn also passed up Gimli, leaving the dwarf behind. "These are...THE POWERPUFF GIRLS! Saving the world one--"

"GANDALF, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn howled. Swiftly riding on Shadowfax, Gandalf chuckled.

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_24: After his defeat, Sauron did not get "served"._

Barad-dûr imploded, fragments of it descending to the unholy ground below. Aragorn and his army gave a victorious cry.

"Dang!" Aragorn exclaimed as he observed what was happening. "Sauron just got served."

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_25: I will not put Gollum on a leash and refer to him as my hairless named Shih Tzu named Cupcake._

"NO!" Gollum shrieked as Sam tied the rope around his neck.

"Yes!" Sam said. "If the men of Gondor see you walking about normally, they'll shoot us all!"

"Yesss...fat hobbit says he'll be shot, Smeagol would enjoy that, wouldn't we, precious?"

"Shut up!" Just then, Faramir returned to the hobbits. "And who is your friends?" he asked Frodo.

"This is Samwise Gamgee," said Frodo, gesturing towards Sam. Sam gave a little wave. "And this is...is..." Frodo didn't know what to say about Smeagol.

Sam took charge. "This is our hairless Shih Tzu named Cupcake. He's not very tame, but we're working on him." said Sam. He took a spray water bottle from his rucksack and squirted some of its contents at Gollum.

If looks could kill, the venomous glare Gollum was giving Sam would have made the hobbit melt into a puddle of goo.

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**Wolf: So what was your favorite this time around? I liked 21 and 25.**


	6. 26 through 30

**Wolf: Thank you to all of my reviewers! Reviews are an authoress's bread and butter!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Harry Potter, A Very Potter Musical, **_**or **_**South Park.**_

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_26: Rohan is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy."_

Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas rode their horses to the top of a hill before halting. Looming ahead were buildings of all shapes and sizes, sprawled around in a messy fashion. Gandalf placed a hand on his staff, frowning. "Rohan. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

"Agreed," said Gimli.

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_27: Gimli does not have "Gingertvitis."_

After Wormtongue was literally kicked out of Rohan, it was time for introductions.

"Hello there," said a young blonde woman. Several peopel thought she was hot, but none would admit it to her. All were fearful of Eowyn's lethal wrath. "My name is Eowyn, Lady of Rohan." She rolled her eyes quickly, but only Aragorn noticed this. How she hated the work of royalty! It was so lame!

"Greetings, Eowyn," said Aragorn. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn."

"I and Gandalf the White," said the wizard.

"I am Legolas Greenleaf," said the blonde elf.

Gimli stood up on his tiptoes, trying to look tall and imposing. This failed. "I am--"

"Don't tell me," exclaimed Eowyn, chuckling darkly. "Red hair, hand-me-down clothes, and a stupid complexion--you must be a Weasley!"

"I, err, what?" Not for the first time, Gimli was bamboozled.

"Tell me, do you have Gingervitis?" Eowyn questioned, pulling out a clipboard and a quill, complete with ink. Gimli blinked in confusion. Why did she have a clipboard on hand? And what was Gingervitis?

"What are you talking about?"

"Gingervitis is a serious disease that Ginger Kids have. it means you have red hair, light skin, and freckles."

Understanding that Eowyn must be either insane, drunk, or an evil genius, Gimli just smiled and backed away slowly.

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_28: I will not play Tex Hold 'Em with Elrond and shout "USE THE FORESIGHT!"_

"Tell me again, Aragorn," said Elrond, his perfectly sculpted eyebrows drawn together. "Why do we have to play this game?"

"It's male bonding!" said Aragorn, shoving some little poker chips towards the center of the table. "Do you want to fold?"

"Why would I want to fold? Shouldn't I raise your bet?" Elrond knew nearly nothing about gambling games.

"Well, you might want to. What if I have a good hand?"

"And I should I know that?"

"USE THE FORESIGHT, GENIUS!"

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_29: I am not the reincarnation of Sauron._

All was dark in the valley the Fellowship was currently traversing through. Well, fo course it was dark! Night is a dark time for everyone! Duh!

Anyways.

Frodo shivered, swaddling himself in a thin blanket. Curse this cold weather and infernal darkness! It gave him the creeps. The hair son the back of Frodo's neck were standing on end. For some reason, Frodo felt as though someone was watching him, and it wasn't Gollum.

"_Give me the Ring, Frodo..."_ A voice hissed into the hobbit's ear. Shrieking shrilly, Frodo leapt as far away as possible and unsheathed Sting. Hearing the commotion, the others woke up. Gandalf summoned some light from his staff and revealed the source of the hiss--Aragorn.

"Aragorn, what _are _you doing?" Gandalf asked, exasperated with pretty much everyone. Do not meddle in the slumber of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.

"Oho! For I am not Aragorn!" Not-Aragorn responded. "I am the reincarnation of SAURON! I will slaughter you all with my fantastic and terrible power and rule the world! Beware!"

No one believed a single word Aragorn said.

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_30: While he is wearing the One Ring, I will not pour grapefruit juice on Frodo to see if he becomes visible._

Inside The Prancing Pony, the One Ring had just fallen onto Frodo's stubby little finger; he instantly vanished, invisible to all. At least, until--

SPLASH! Pippin tossed a bucket of an odd pinkish liquid onto the spot Frodo had just occupied; it hit its target, looking as though the droplets had frozen in midair. Frodo sneaked up towards a grinning Pippin and jabbed his finger at Pippin's shoudler. "What are you doing, you moron?"

Pippin sighed and snapped his fingers in defeat. "Darn it all! I thought grapefruit juice would make you become visible!"

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**So, what was your favorite? Although I loved all of these, my favorites were definitely 27 and 28.**

**1.) The quote "Red hair, hand-me-down clothes, and a stupid complexion--you must be a Weasley!" is NOT mine. I heard it in _A Very Potter Musical._**


	7. 31 through 35

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I was eating rhubarb pie off my Batman plate, thinking about random things, when I had a sudden revelation…Rhubarb pie is the greatest invention since sliced bread! Well, that and pogo shoes, as my _Craziness _reviewers would know.

**Did Aragorn ever find time to visit the hobbits back in the Shire? I can't remember…I also can't remember if the Fellowship was in Rivendell on Halloween. But for the sake of the story, let's just pretend they were!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Lord of the Rings **_**or**_** The Wizard of Oz.**_

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_31: Merry and Pippin do not represent the Lollipop Guild…no matter what they say otherwise._

Riding into the Shire for a friendly visit, Aragorn cantered towards the home of one Frodo Baggins, fully intending to meet all of his old, little hobbit friends. He was hindered, however, by two particular hobbits he knew very well. And Merry was carrying an enormous lollipop.

Bouncing up and down to a rhythm, Merry and Pippin began chanting, _We represent the Lollipop Guild! The Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild! We represent the Lollipop Guild and we welcome you to Munchkinland!" _As the last line was spoken, Merry twirled the lollipop and extended it towards Aragorn.

Aragorn blinked, unsure of what to say.

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_32: I will not say Gollum is prejudiced against fat people._

"Stupid fat hobbits!" Gollum hissed, while Sam continued making his scrumptious stew. If it had been me, I would eat that. Who cares if it had rabbit or Orc flesh in it? It tastes like chicken either way!

Sam just rolled his eyes. "Stinker, I have a question for you."

"Nasty little hobbit has a question, _gollum! _Smeagol wonders…what is it?"

"What do you have against fat people, anyways?"

Never before had Gollum been taken by surprise in a manner like this. "Prejudice? Stupid fat hobbit thinks we're prejudiced!"

"Well, you did call me fat again…" Sam turned towards Frodo, who sat a few feet away. "You're listening to this, right?"

"Every word," Frodo replied.

Gollum did not even acknowledge Frodo's presence. "Fatty hobbit thinks he's smart! We know better…Master likes us better, _gollum! _Yes, precious, Smeagol is in Master's favor, not the fat one!"

Sam gave Gollum the universal "You're a moron" look and then devoted all of his attention to the stew.

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_33: I will not join my friends and dress as Sauron and his Nazgul for Halloween._

At was calm in Rivendell on Halloween night. And this was quite unusual, to say the least. After all, chaos always followed in Frodo, Aragorn, and their friends' wake…

Elrond chilled out on an elegant chair, his perfectly sculpted eyebrows arched high as he chatted with the other elves about boring topics such as politics, education, and the impending fate of Middle-earth. But you don't care about any of this. After all, you came to laugh, not to bite your nails as you read of doom! Elrond nodded in agreement as another elf ranted about horse traffic jams when-

BANG! The door was smashed inwards as Sauron and his Nazgul strutted in, looking very horrifying, very daunting, and very, very much clad in black. Shrieking in fear, a myriad of the male elves fled in terror, while the female elves all snatched up swords, knives, pitchforks, bows and arrows, or sporks as they readied for a duel to the death.

Arwen, one of the defenders, slashed at Sauron's throat. Astonishingly, Sauron did not parry, but he leapt to his right instead. "Dude!" reprimanded one of the Ringwraiths. "You're not a convincing Dark Lord!"

'I can't hurt Arwen!" Sauron shouted back. "She's been my fiancé for, like, fifty years!"

"Yet you never married her…There is something wrong with you."

"Shut up Pippin!"

"Yeah, shut up!" screamed a voice from the Ringwraith's crotch area. "It's difficult enough to carry you on my shoulders without your jabbering!"

The battle was quite short. Shortly later, Elrond was quite bemused as he found Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Boromir, and even Legolas all hog-tied. Sauron and his Nazgul, indeed!

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_34: Sauron's problem is not that he needs a boyfriend._

"You shall all die!" the Mouth of Sauron bellowed at the armies of Gondor and Rohan plus a few hobbits and a wizard. His line seemed somewhat cliché, if you ask me. And the _Mouth _of Sauron? Am I the only one who finds that gross? Who honestly knows where that mouth has been?

"Come on, Sauron, don't worry about us," Aragorn said cheerfully. "I finally figured out what your problem is!"

"Oh really, puny human? And what is that?"

"You're just desperate for a boyfriend!"

All of Mordor began to quake as Sauron's fury was unleashed. Aragorn observed the devastation as Sauron slowly obliterated his own kingdom. "Idiots. I'm surrounded by idiots."

* * *

_35: I will not say Lembas is made of hobbit flesh._

"Lembas!" Legolas said, for elves never yelled. "One biter can fill the stomach of a full-grown man!"

"How many did you eat?" Merry whispered to Pippin.

"Four," Pippin replied. "Which means…I'M A CANNIBAL! OH MY SMAUG AND MOTHER OF CELEBORN!"

"What?" Legolas questioned, truly bamboozled.

"I've eaten hobbit flesh! I am now tainted!"

Legolas was taken aback. "No. Lembas is a pure substance, not a product of murder."

"YOU LIE!" Pippin sprinted away from Legolas and his way too perfedxt hair, howling, "MURDERER! MURDERER IN RIVENDELL! A SERIAL KILLER HAS COME TO SLAUGHTER THE HOBBITS AND DEVOUR OUR FLESH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, MY BRETHREN!"

"Yelling is not a good thing," said Legolas, shaking his head in disapproval.

* * *

**I put a reference to my Star Wars/Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings crossover, **_**Craziness, Candy, Jedi Knights, and WHAT!**_**. If anyone can find it, then they get virtual Aragorn, Sam, Pippin, and Merry plushies, along with a delectable rhubarb pie!**

**What were your favorites? Mine were 31 and 33!**


	8. 36 through 40

**I**** apologize for the delay, everybody! And just as I said that, I had to get off the computer...how ironic. I think it's ironic, anyways.**

**I don't own **_**Lord of the Rings **_**or**_** Harry Potter.

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**_

_36: I will not start a betting pool that Sauron is truly Aragorn's father._

"Put me down for yes," Legolas muttered to Boromir as everyone except for Aragorn and Gandalf clustered together by the fire, with Pippin scribbling on some parchment.

"Can I place a potato in the betting pool?" Sam questioned.

"Sure!" replied Merry cheerily, as he tossed Sam's tomato into a tiny sack.

"What is going on?" said a gruff, horribly familiar voice. The Fellowship all scrambled away from each other, but it was too late: Aragorn had spotted their mischief. "Well?"

"Well, you see.." Pippin trailed off, unsure of what to say. The parchment was still in the hobbit's hand, and Aragorn swiped it away.

The Ranger's eyes widened as he read it's contents.

_Sauron is Aragorn's Father Betting Pool_

_Father: Pippin, Merry, Sam, Legolas, Boromir_

_No Relation: Frodo, Gimli_

Aragorn was speechless.

* * *

_37: I will not play chicken with the Oliphaunts._

Legolas shot another arrow at yet another Orc, adding it to the myriad of casualties. "Thirty-seven!" he called to Gimli, who was hacking at an Orc's neck with his gigantic battleaxe. An Oliphaunt was stomping closer and closer to the bleach blond elf, and that was when Legolas had his brilliant idea.

Lithely sprinting towards the Oliphaunt, Legolas jumped directly in its path, only diving out of the way at the last second.

"What are you doing?" Gimli shouted. Was the elf mad?

"I'm playing chicken!" Legolas responded. "I would ask you to join me, but your stumpy legs would only get you squashed."

* * *

_38: Nazgul are of no relation to Dementors. Any resemblance is coincidental._

Sauron's Ringwraiths drew closer and closer to Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry at Weathertop, looking quite sinister as their tattered black cloaks slithered across the ground. Sam was rasping for breath. "I feel as though the happiness has been sucked away!" he cried.

"Sam..." Frodo didn't know what to say, but his hand was itching towards the One Ring.

"Mister Frodo! I know what those things are! They're not former men, they're dementors! Run away before they suck out our souls and feast upon them! Where is Harry potter when you need him? Someone get me a wand, I'll summon a Patronus!"

It was at this point that Frodo slipped on the One Ring.

* * *

_39: I will not learn to say "I fling my poo at you" in Elven tongue._

Elrond was ranting about Arwen being too good for Aragorn again. And Aragorn was getting very, very much ticked off. And when a fancy pants elf crosses with a hard core Ranger, you know there will be action, perhaps even a ninja duel. Then again, Elrond was no ninja.

"She should not have to give up her immortality! You know she should listen to me, she is my daughter! I love her too much to see her do this! I-"

Aragorn huffed. Blah, blah, blah! Perhaps it was the time for some Elven insults, if he wasn't elfish enough for his daughter.

"And I really think you should shave more, the scruff factor is no good for a elf or anything else for that-"

"_Atra wingla em fecesias toon!" _exclaimed Aragorn.

Elrond raised his way too perfect eyebrows. "'I fling my poo at you'...really, Aragorn? Wow. Who taught you that?"

"Arwen...you know, your daughter."

* * *

_40: I will not search for Sauron's missing contact lens._

"HUZZAH!" Aragorn screeched as he deflected a blow from the Mouth of Sauron. The Battle of the Morannon was at its height, and all of the men plus the hobbits and one woman (if this was the movie) were concentrating on killing the other guy. Well, all except...

"It has to be around here somewhere!" Pippin said, as he crawled on his hands and knees, sifting through the debris and detached heads, deep in search.

"Find what?" said Legolas, who had noticed the defenseless Pippin and had rushed to his aid.

"Sauron's missing contact lens! That's what he wants, not some stupid piece of jewelry! How hard can it be to find a fifty-foot tall piece of flimsy material? Dang!"

* * *

**What was your favorite? Mine was 36. Vote on my poll, please! Also, I would ike to know if any of you are _Alex Rider_ fans, because I'm writing a story for Alex and the gang!**


	9. 41 through 45

**I'm leaving for camp in a few days! Isn't that awesome? Anyways...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Lord of the Rings **_**or any of the songs mentioned in this story.

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**

_41: I will not attempt to defeat Orcs in a dance off._

Fighting for the freedom of Middle-earth was not easy, not one tiny bit. It was also quite tedious. These thoughts ran through Legolas's mind as he shot down yet another nameless Orc, warring on for Rohan's sake. "Thirty-seven!" he shouted to Gimli.

"Legolas," said Gimli as he cleaved an Orc's head clean off its shoulders. "This is becoming quite boring."

And that's when Legolas thought of his brilliant idea.

"Hey you!" the elf yelled to the nearest Orcs. "Take this!" And, to everyone's horror, Legolas began to dance, doing the worm, the mashed potato, and the jerk. Gimli joined in, but only one Orc attempted to take them on. It danced the stanky leg, but Orc legs are far too stubby for that. So said Orc was killed, poor guy.

* * *

_42: I will not send bubble wrap to Sauron for his "therapy."_

"Ringwraiths!" a deep, dark, and ominous voice bellowed. It echoed throughout all Mordor, and even Frodo, Sam, and Smeagol heard it from a distant land.

The Nazgul all lined up before the Mouth of Sauron, looking fearful. When Sauron was angry, someone usually paid with their life. "Yes, my lord?" they questioned timidly.

The Mouth of Sauron held up a plastic, bubbly material. "What the French toast is this?"

The Nazgul had no clue what French toast was, but they understood the point. Ringwraith Number 5 said, "Sir, there's a note attached to the bottom."

"Really?" the Mouth of Sauron glanced down. Indeed, a note was taped to one side. The Mouth of Sauron read it, set the material onto the floor, and hurled a sword into the nearest wall. The sword became embedded into the stone, with only the hilt visible.

_Dearest Sauron,_

_How are you, pumpkin? Darling, I heard about your therapy classes, so I decided to send you this bubble wrap. I almost sent you my cheese knife/broken sword, but its way too cool for you._

_Love, Aragorn_

_P.S. Are you screaming in fury right now? I'm sorry, but I can't hear it over the sound of how totally awesome I am._

And Sauron was truly screaming in fury.

* * *

_43: I will not have my own kingdom._

"Are you sure about this, my liege?" Pippin asked.

"Positive. You have done well, Sir Took!" Merry responded to his...servant.

Not too far away, Boromir rolled his eyes. The Fellowship was bundled next to a fire for the night, but Merry and Pippin had wandered form the crowd, their chitchat quite audible to the others. "And what are you two conspiring about?"

"Don't end your sentence with a preposition, Boromir," said Merry. "Anyone who does in this kingdom will be bombarded with three rotten potatoes and a pony."

Merry was true to his word. Pippin actually did hurl three rotten potatoes at Boromir, and he even managed to hoist Bill over his shoulder and toss his at Boromir . Luckily, the poor pony fell short, and Pippin was rewarded with a hoof to the head.

"This is my kingdom!" declared Merry.

"No it is not!" said Boromir.

"Yes it is! I even named it!"

This intrigued Gimli. "What did you name it, lads?"

Merry puffed out his chest. "Slacker!"

* * *

_44: Gollum does not have MPD._

"Stupid fat hobbits!" Gollum repeated for the forty-seventh time. Sam sighed to himself. There had to be something wrong with Slinker...or Stinker...

Sam snapped his fingers. That was it! "Mister Frodo, I know what's wrong with Stink- I mean Smeagol!"

Frodo raised his eyebrows. "What is it?"

"MPD."

"Multiple Personality Disorder?" said Frodo, alarmed. "Why?"

"He always acts differently...and he smells bad! Maybe one of his personalities doesn't enjoy showering!"

* * *

_45: I must never toss a dwarf...and especially not from a catapult._

Gandalf and Legolas noticed the crimson and brown shape whizzing through the sky, but no one else did. And only they knew it was Gimli, though they had no idea what had happened.

"Aragorn!" Gandalf hollered. This guy sure did howl a lot, didn't he? He had spotted the Ranger, who was slinking away from the catapults. "What in the name of Gondor did you do?"

Aragorn grinned sheepishly. "If this is about Gimli, he said don't tell the elf..." Aragorn leaned towards Gandalf and whispered into his ear, "I tossed him from the catapult."

* * *

**So, what's your favorite this time around? Mine was 43.**


	10. 46 through 50

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Lord of the Rings, The Lion King, Mulan, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, **_**or any of the songs in this story.**

**And I know there is no way anyone in Middle-earth could watch a movie, but let's please pretend for a while!

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**

_46: I will not compare Aragorn to Simba from _The Lion King.

It was yet another fine summer day in Minas Tirith under the rule of King Aragorn. His friends from the war were still permitted to just call him Aragorn, though Eowyn knew Aragorn wanted them to call him "my epically awesome and super amazing kingliness."

On this specific day, Eowyn and Faramir had decided to meet with Aragorn for a spot of tea. Why they chose tea, no one knows. It must be a British thing.

Faramir had left to...relieve himself, so Eowyn was left alone with Aragorn. She frowned. The other day, her and Faramir had been watching _The Lion King, _and Aragorn couldn't help but remind her of...

"You're Simba!" Eowyn exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at Aragorn.

Aragorn raised one eyebrow. "Excuse me!"

"You're like Simba from _The Lion King_!" said Eowyn. "You're both born to royal legacies but dismiss them, your love interests are slightly incest, and you both have two good friends who travel with you and serve as comic relief. You leave your homelands for a while, but after a little stargazing you return and fight an epic battle prior to your coronation!"

Aragorn rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Mulan."

* * *

_47: I will not sprint into Rivendell screaming, "Sauron! Sauron approaching!"_

All was peaceful in Rivendell. Mister Frodo Baggins was recovering successfully from his wound, and no one worried about a thing...

And that's when Aragorn sprinted in, screaming, "Sauron! Sauron approaching!" at the top of his lungs. "Run for your lives if you want to remain manly!"

As before, the male elves shrieked shrilly and ran for their lives as urine stains splattered their finely woven trousers. The female elves, on the other hand, did not move and rolled their eyes at Aragorn's antics, knowing he was a little liar.

* * *

_48: I will not dress like a banana and sing, "IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!"_

"Bilbo!" said Frodo's voice form the other room. From his chair, Bilbo Baggins frowned. What could Frodo possibly want now?

"Yes, Frodo?" said Bilbo.

"Do you know what time it is, Bilbo?" said Frodo, his voice still muffled by a door.

"You tell me," said Bilbo.

The door burst open. Frodo hopped into the room, attired in a banana suit. _"IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!"_

Bilbo blinked. What the...

"_Peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!"_

Bilbo decided not to ask.

* * *

_49: I will not wear onion rings on my fingers and proclaim them the Nine Rings of Men._

As the Fellowship all settled down for yet another dinner, Boromir turned away from group, fiddling with something. Gandalf groaned. Not more antics from this dratted group of insufferable beings! "Boromir, what are you doing this time?"

Boromir spun to face Gandalf and wiggled his fingers in the wizard's face. Upon them were various onion rings, all fried to a golden crisp. "These are the Nine Rings of Men! I wield supreme power!"

"Hey!" shouted Pippin. "Where did you get those?"

"Yeah!" added Merry. "Share the golden goodness with us!"

"I will never share my lustrous power with you mere mortals!" Boromir declared. "Now, fear me!"

* * *

_50: I will not do my own rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table"_.

"There it is!" Aragorn, pointing at Minas Tirith. "Camelot!"

As one of his fellow actors, Pippin exclaimed, "Camelot!"

They all knew it wasn't Camelot, but this was way too much fun to quit! "Camelot!" cried Merry.

"Camelot!" shouted Legolas.

"It's only a model," Sam muttered.

"Shh!" Frodo hushed.

"Shall we go in?" said Aragorn. And that's when everything warped...

Now everyone was dressed as knights, dancing and singing:

_"We're Knights of the Round Table_

_We dance whene'er we're able_

_We do routines and chorus scenes_

_With footwork impeccable!"_

Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin stamped about, kicking servants and dishes about.

"_We dine well here in Camelot_

_We eat ham and jam and spam a lot_

_We're Knights of the Round Table_

_Our shows are formidable,_

_But many times we're given rhymes_

_That are quite unsingable!"_

With the ruckus they were creating, it was surprising they didn't wake Sauron from his eternal slumber.

"_We sing from the diaphragm a looooooot!"_

Far below, Saruman was clapping all by his lonesome.

"_In war we're tough and able,_

_Quite indefatigable,_

_Between our quests we sequin vests,_

_And impersonate Clark Gable_

_It's a busy life in Camelot,_

_I have to push the pram a lot!"_

Then they finished their dance for the peasants, kicking more dishes and servants. No one clapped for them.

Back out of his fantasy world, Aragorn said, "On second thought, let's not go into Camelot. It's a silly place."

* * *

**What was your favorite? Mine was 50 for sure!**


	11. 51 through 55

**Thank you everyone for reviewing! It's my bread and butter...no, it's better than that. It's...Gouda cheese?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Lord of the Rings, Kingdom Hearts, Harry Potter, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, **_**or **_**Smurfs.**_

_**

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**_

_51: I will not have Eowyn and Arwen duel for Aragorn's hand in marriage._

"GET BACK HERE, YOU BLOND SACK OF POOP!" cried an all-too familiar elf as she sprinted past a dazed and confused Aragorn. The Ranger gaped, astonished by the sudden appearance of his fiancé within Rohan. What in the name of Gandalf's ridiculously long beard was she doing here?

Gimli also appeared, looking quite bamboozled. "Wasn't that your Arwen?"

Legolas daintily skipped towards them, but he was not alarmed one bit. In fact, he was smirking. Glowering at the fruitcake and realizing the elf was up to no good, Aragorn chased Arwen, determined to protect her and find out what was going on.

Finally Arwen halted her stride and Aragorn heard the clashing of swords. Horrified, he spun around the corner of a tent and was stupefied by what was before him.

Eowyn and Arwen were exchanging blows, their swords clashing, sparks flying in all directions. Gimli and Aragorn could only gape, but Legolas cried, "Come on! Winner get Aragorn's hand in marriage!"

Aragorn then proceeded to pummel Legolas. It wasn't pretty.

* * *

_52: I am not a wizard ninja sent by Sauron to kill the Fellowship._

"Mwuahahaha!" exclaimed Boromir as he jabbed a stick in Frodo's direction. The two had wandered off, but Boromir had not once mentioned the One Ring like he did in the real book and movie. Rather, he was grinning maniacally at the Ringbearer. "You have fallen into my clever trap! Now I shall use my invincible wizard ninja powers to KILL YOU!"

Frodo blinked his pathetic blue eyes. Wow, Boromir was an idiot. "Who sent you, then?"

Glowering, Boromir rolled up his left sleeve to reveal a rather peculiar mark. It was a smiley face with a snake for a tongue, all drawn on with marker. "The Dark Lord!"

Frodo frowned. "Sauron?"

"No, not that idiot! You-Know-Who!"

"No, I really don't know who!"

"I said he's You-Know-Who!"

"But I don't!"

"HIS NAME IS YOU-KNOW-WHO!"

"But I don't know who! Seriously!"

In the distance, someone cried, "JUST SAY VOLDEMORT, YOU TWITS!"

"You _dare _speak the Dark Lord's name, you meaningless meat bag? You shall die an excruciatingly painful death!" Instead, he aimed the stick at Frodo. _"Avada Kedavra!"_

Nothing happened. Frodo walked back to the others, unscathed and bored.

* * *

_53: I am not on a hunt for the Keyblade._

"Come along, Goofy!" said Frodo, gesturing to Sam. "You too, Donald!" he also spoke to Smeagol.

The two rivals glanced at each other, shrugged, and simultaneously asked, "What are you talking about, Master?"

Frodo huffed impatiently. "You guys! If we don't hurry, the Heartless will come, and I sure don't feel like fighting them! Don't you understand? We have to find the Keyblade! You guys came up with this blasted idea in the first place!"

For once, Sam and Smeagol agreed on one thing: Frodo played way too many games.

* * *

_54: I will not call Gandalf "Tim the Enchanter."_

"Hey, Tim!" Merry called out from the back of the group. At point was Gandalf, wielding his staff and marching with purpose.

"Tim..." said Pippin.

"Tim..."

"TIM!" Merry and Pippin all but shouted. In the distance, dogs barked, trees collapsed, and turtles mutated due to the enormous and powerful sound waves Merry and Pippin had formed.

Finally, Gandalf twisted, an aura of wrath about him. "Are you idiots trying to get us killed?"

Pippin held up his hands in a gesture of self-defense. "Don't get your panties in a knot, Tim!"

"My name is not Tim, you fool of a Took! quiet before Sauron hears us!"

Merry rolled his eyes. "You are Tim the Enchanter! There's no way on Middle-earth Sauron will hear you!"

Far away in Mordor, Sauron was seething. His flaming eyes turned towards Mount Doom as a bellowing voice howled, "TIM!"

It took a minute, but a shriveled old man with a staff and an odd headdress peeped his head out of the volcano's entrance. "Yes, sir?"

"Another one of those imbeciles with an outrageous accent is impersonating you!"

Tim snarled as Mount Doom flared, a result of his pyro abilities. "Blast! Not again!"

* * *

_55: I will not dye hobbits blue and call them Smurfs._

Sam groggily blinked his eyes as he sat up in his sack. Fluttering his eyelashes, he smiled at his dirt-caked blue hands before standing up and-

Wait a minute! _Blue _hands? What was this? Eyes darting around the camp, he spotted the other hobbits with blue skin, and the rest of the Fellowship were chuckling.

Sam stomped towards them. "Fix this before Frodo and the others wake up!"

"I don't know," said Aragorn. "It's not a very smurfing idea."

"I know!" responded Gimli excitedly. "Hey, Aragorn, your hair is smurfing today."

"Hey! I take that as a smurfing insult!"

"Smurfing is my favorite hobby!" cried Legolas randomly.

Sam groaned as he strode down to the river, intending to wash off the blue paint.

* * *

**What was your favorite this chapter? I'd have to say 54 because it had such a twist!**


	12. 56 through 60

**I don't own **_**Lord of the Rings, Greene Eggs and Ham, Star Wars, Toy Story, Yogi Bear, **_**Barbie, or any of the songs used or mentioned in this story.

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**

_56: I will not ask Sam if he likes green eggs and ham._

"So you say your name is Sam?" Faramir inquired. The Gondorian was currently questioning the two captives, though whether or not Faramir was brutal with this action depends on if this is the books or movies.

Looking wary, the hobbit nodded, expecting a question about the Ring. Frodo tugged slightly on Sam's cloak.

But Faramir astonished the two of them. "I am Sam?"

Sam shook his head, dumbfounded. "No! Sam I am!"

"Do you like green eggs and ham?"

Sam's eyes widened. "I do not like green eggs and ham! i do not like them Sam I am!"

Frodo rolled his pathetic blue eyes. "You know, sir, you're only the twenty-eighth person to ask him that."

Faramir's eyes twinkled. "I figured."

* * *

_57: When using my sword I will not make lightsaber noises._

The Battle of Helm's Deep was not a pretty sight, Aragorn thought as he cleaved another Orc's head clean off its shoulders. His glimmering blade had him captivated. The way it swished around, almost like a beam of brilliant light...a lightsaber!

Not too far away, Legolas couldn't help but hear a strange sound. _"Snap hiss! Hmmm..."_

"Aragorn!" the elf said, for elves never shout. He shook his head. He would never understand the joy humans received from making pop culture references.

* * *

_58: Legolas is not Barbie._

"Tee hee..." a voice squeaked, breaking the night's silence. No one awakened, however, as two teeny shadows slipped back into their bedding, giggling about their latest prank.

The next morning, a shrill shriek shattered the peace as an enraged elf bellowed, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

Aragorn woozily rubbed his eyes as he sat up. "I thought elves never yelled?" Then he spotted Legolas and burst into outrageous laughter.

Legolas was dressed in an incredibly short and low-cut dress. His hair was adorned with lilies and held back by a pink headband. To top it off, his feet were encased by stilettos and his legs were covered in fishnet tights.

"You ready, Pippin?" said Merry from behind a bush.

"You bet!" Pippin replied. They burst from the bush, singing, _"I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world! Life in plastic-"_

"STOP IT, YOU FIENDS!"

_"IT'S FANTASTIC!"_

"Will you two halt your foolish behavior?" Gandalf demanded.

Merry and Pippin nodded, though for the rest of the day they followed Legolas around, singing...

_"Her name was Leggy! She was a dancer! With lilies in her hair and a skirt way up to there!"_

Legolas seethed.

* * *

_59: I will not exclaim "To infinity AND BEYOND!" when taking off on an eagle._

Riding on the majestic eagle, Gandalf scanned the calamity below. No hobbits, no hobbits, no-

Hobbits! There were Frodo and Sam, lying in a slab of rock! At Gandalf's command the eagle dived down towards the hobbits. Once the two were safely aboard, Gandalf sighed in relief. "Now then..." He spurred the eagle onward, away from this mayhem. "To infinity AND BEYOND!"

* * *

_60: I will not ask Aragorn if he has killed Yogi yet._

"Hey Aragorn..."

"Shut up, Barbie."

"Aragorn..."

"What?"

"Aragorn!"

"WHAT?"

The elf grinned cheekily at the Ranger. "Have you killed Yogi yet?"

Groaning in vexation, Aragorn chased the elf around the fire. Plopped down on a log, Gimli smiled and muttered, "Hey, Boo Boo! How about those picnic baskets?"

* * *

**What was your favorite? Mine was 58!**


	13. 61 through 65

**I have failed you all. I really have. It's been, what, a year since my last update? I feel awful. I just...lost my motivation, and got caught up writing all these other fics when, in all honesty, this is probably the best fic I've ever written. Please help keep me on track! Yell at me in your flames if you have to, I just need to finish this, for both you all and myself!**

**This chapter is dedicated to the one and only Nemesis (ThisMortalCoil), a very super-special-awesome amiga of mine. It's her birthday today. SEND HER RHUBARB PIE.**

**Anyways, I don't own **_**Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Kingdom Hearts, Ghostbusters, **_**Slim Fast, Wal-Mart, Oreos, or any of the songs used in this story.**

* * *

_#61: I will not point at Denethor's falling body and sing, "It's Raining Men!"_

You'd think Gondorian of noble blood would be wonderful parents. That, of course, is a misconception. Though they are formidable warriors, expert artisans, and fantastic pastry chefs, Gondorians are not above a little bit of abuse...

That is, abuse being setting their sons on fire. Of course, Gandalf and Pippin did nto allow him to make it that far.

In a fit of absolute irony, Denethor set himself ablaze instead and ended up sprinting out the door in a fit of madness, heading straight for the castle's boundaries.

Pippin dogged the steward, a little urge nibbling at his brain.

As Denethor tumbled over the edge of the fortress, Pippin pointed with a pudgy little finger and recited, _"It's raining men! Halleluiah! It's raining men! Halle-"_

At this moment, Gandalf whacked the youthful hobbit on the back of the head. So much for a musical career, Pippin guessed.

* * *

_#62: I will not give Sam any Slim Fast._

Slinker and Stinker each had their own forms of revenge. Stinker, for one, delighted in feeding his rivals to an enormous spidery monster, strangulation, and pillaging unsuspecting hobbits of their jewelry. Rings were his particular favorite.

Slinker preferred pranks. After all, Smeagol wouldn't hurt a fly, no hobbits, no!

So it was on this day that Frodo, Sam, and Smeagol/Slinker stopped at Wal-Mart, near the Mordor border. They had not originally planned on a stop, but Frodo insisted on buying Oreos in case a bribe was needed. While Frodo went off on a quest for quaky cookies, Smeagol decided to cause mischief.

"Hobbitses!" Smeagol/Slinker shrieked to the stupid fat hobbit.

Sam twisted to face the deformed, skulking deformity. "Yes, Slinker?" The were in a kitchenware aisle.

Smeagol held out a plastic package. "We haves a gift!"

Sam took one glance at the package and read enough: "Slim Fast. Lose weight now!"

Then he yanked a frying pan off the shelves and chased Smeagol like there was no tomorrow.

* * *

_63: I will not ask Elrond to teach me the Vulcan Nerve Pinch._

"Hey, Elrond! Elrond! Elrond! Elrond! Elrond!"

Said uptight elf was attempting to peruse_ The Encyclopedia of Cheeses, _and he was downright agitated by Aragorn's rather irksome behavior. Couldn't the messy brute go bother the elves of Moria this time? "What is it?" he asked, realizing fight point eight milliseconds later that he would regret speaking in the first place.

Aragorn straightened until he reached what he considered noble posture and made his personal request. "I...was wondering if you would please teach me the Vulcan Nerve Pinch!"

Though it had been deemed impossible by all books of modern anatomy, Elrond's jaw dropped. "Erm..."

Aragorn was downright fascinated by Elronds's sudden switch in mood. He'd never seen a surprised elf before. "I'll take that as a yes?"

The last thing Aragorn felt before he lost consciousness was a peculiar sensation near his neck and shoulder.

Elrond brushed off his robes. "Sorry, but I have to protect the Prime Directive." Not that Aragorn could hear him, and it was illogical to talk to an unconscious human. Oh well.

* * *

_64: I am not a Princess of Heart, nor does the One Ring unlock Kingdom Hearts._

Pippin giggled girlishly as he continued to braid Legolas's hair. "Oh, dearest Leggy," he stated in a shrill mockery of a female, "I do declare, your blond locks are quite fine!"

Legolas wanted to object. He really did, really! But, well, there was little one elf could say when you have Gandalf's socks shoved down your esophagus as a makeshift gag. It wasn't as if he could move, either, since the hobbit had also considered that when he tied up Legolas with the finest elven rope.

"I'm really, truly sorry about tying you up, Leggy." Pippin shifted to an Indian style sitting position, flicking a little bit of curly hair behind his shoulder. Legolas knew this little hobbit was pretending to be a cherub of pure heart and intentions, but at the moment Legolas could truthfull swear the midget was the love child of Sauron and Shelob. "But come on, you know the situation! Those horrible members of Organzation XIII-" _The Nazgul, _Legolas thought to himself. "-want to use me and the One Ring to get Kingdom Hearts! Protect me, mister Keyblade master!"

When the others came back, they were all going to give Pippin a lecture on the disadvantages of smoking weed. This time the hobbit had gone one step too far.

* * *

_65: I will not call the Ghostbusters on the Dead Man of Dunharrow._

Aragorn raised the strange hose-like device in front of him as him, Gimli, and Legolas sauntered through the Paths of the Dead. "There's something strange..." he trailed off.

Gimli raised one enormous, bushy eyebrow. "In this neighborhood?"

Legolas nodded. "Who you gonna call?"

"GHOSTBUSTERS!" With this warcry, Aragorn sucked up one of the Dead Man of Dunharrow. "Aha! Now we have a hostage!"

The giddy grins soon faded from their faces when they realized they were surrounded on all sides. Legolas himself raised his own hose. "There's something weird...this don't look good-"

"WE ARE NOT SINGING OUR THEME SONG NOW!" Gimli all but howled as he backed up into Aragorn. "Suck them up! Suck them up!"

Aragorn blinked owlishly at his short and stout amigo. "...Poor choice of words, Gimli."

* * *

**In the year since I've updated, this story has been added to over one hundred favorites lists! Thanks guys! The only better thing would be getting all one hundred of you to review...**

**What was your favorite, then? Mine was probably 64, since high!Pippin is hysterical to write.**


	14. 66 through 70

**Woohoo! Can it be? It's the next chapter already! Anyway, it's come to my attention that many people have published this list around the Internet without crediting me. Please, for the love of strawberries (everyone likes strawberries, after all), don't do that. It irks me. **

**Anyhoo, I don't claim ownership to Lord of the Rings, Batman, the Arnold, or George Clooney.**

* * *

_66: I will not refer to Frodo and Sam as the hobbit versions of Batman and Robin, and especially not the George Clooney version of Batman._

"My feet are getting sore," Frodo complained as him, Sam, and Smeagol trudged up the umpteenth hill of that day.

Sam couldn't resist a goodhearted tsk at Mister Frodo's woeful tale. "You should've gotten one of those pedicures from Legolas before we broke the Fellowship," he chided.

Smeagol snorted and cackled like a chimp on crack cocaine. "Smeagol didn't know Nasty Batman and Robin hobbitses needed pampering for the precious feet!"

Frodo and Sam exchanged the look. You know which look I'm referring to. The Smeagol-is-off-his-rocker-again-and-spurting-out-nonsense-concerning-pop-culture-references-that-are0impossible-to-understand-on-Middle-Earth look.

"I call Batman!" Frodo spoke up after a moment of thoughtful silence.

"Blast!" Sam cursed, kicking up dirt in defeat. Now Sam was the one channeling the emo urges here. When he was merely a wee little hobbit child, Sam had slept on Batman bedsheets and used a Batman toothbrush. His old Gaffer had said Batman was a wise man with a heart of gold. Batman had become one of Sam's greatest heroes. Come to think of it, Sam had that toothbrush in his back pocket at that moment...kooky. "Well, then you're the George Clooney version of Batman!" he taunted. "You get your butt kicked by Arnold Schwarzenegger!"That's right, Frodo, don't you dare take Sam's battiness away!

Baby blue eyes widened to an impossible size as Frodo gawked at his truest friend's betrayal. How...could he...he had bought those bedsheets for Sam in the first place! "At least I don't date Fatgirl, Robin!"

Sam screamed and hurled a rock at Smeagol, the instigator of this absurd quarrel.

* * *

_67: I will not intrude on conversations between Gollum and Smeagol with my own opinion._

"Yes, precious, false!" Gollum taunted his alter ego, staring at his own reflection and being all too happy about being in control once more. "They will cheat you, hurt you. LIE."

"Master is our friend!" Smeagol protested. The nerve of that Gollum! His repulsive darker side was so paranoid! In his wretched little brain, he faintly recalled incidents across the years concerning Gollum and the precious using murder, arson, manipulation, Girl Scout cookie sales, and mind rape to take control over Smeagol. Granted, Thin Mints _were _scrumptious munchies, but they did not mesh with the mind rape. And now Gollum wanted him to off the Master!

"You don't have any friends! Nobody likes you!" Gollum taunted.

"I agree," a voice murmured from the depths of Sam's sleeping bag. "You have terrible tooth decay, you seriously need a bath, and you act like a rabid raccoon with MPD."

"NO ONE ASKED YOU, NASTY FAT ONE!" Smeagol shrieked at the perpetrator.

* * *

_68: I will not start a cooking show called Orc on a Spork, nor will I demonstrate how to stew hobbit._

Sam cheerily waved hello to his beloved studio audience. "Greetings, everyone! Welcome back to another fine episode of Orc on a Spork! Today I'll be teaching you the deepest, darkest secrets of the fine art of stewing hobbit!"

"That's right!" Merry said, sinking his feet into a steel pot. "Now, Sam, don't forget to churn that toe jam before mixing it with the sock lint!"

Sam rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Now, just remember, the key is to tenderize the meat!"

They both chuckled heartily along with the audience. Then Merry realized what Sam was saying. "HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!"

That crafty, fat little hobbit decided to ignore Merry. "Me, i prefer to use a nice metal fork and JAB-"

"OUCH! What's your deal, you -OW! My precious toe hair!"

Needless to say, it was cancelled after two episodes, though the show garnered a cult following in Mirkwood for unknown reasons.

* * *

_69: I will not spread rumors that I must change Gandalf's adult diapers every day._

It scared Aragorn silly when Gandalf the Grey cornered him one dark, stormy night in Rivendell. "What's this I hear about me and...Depends, I believe they're called?"

Aragorn gulped as a teeny urine stain formed around his nether region. "it was just a joke, old man!"

"Hey, Gandalf!" Elronhir waved with delight at the wizard. "Out for some prune juice, I suppose?"

Both Aragorn and Elronhir were struck mute for two weeks.

* * *

_70: I will not ask Saruman if the size of his beard is compensating for something._

The question was out of Pippin's mouth before he could stifle it.

The strangest part of it all was when the White Wizard simply chuckled and said, "You clever hobbit, figuring it out so easily!"

* * *

**Since I want to finish this, I've decided to make the little bits of them carrying out the acts shorter. This way, I can guarantee updates!**


	15. 71 through 75

**Just a few more...**

**Oh, everybody! After I finish this fic, I'm going to write an even more ambitious project: 444 Things I'm Not Allowed To Do In Amestris. For those of you that don't know, that's one of the countries in Fullmetal Alchemist. I started the list three days ago and I finished today!**

**Anyway, I don't own Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or any of the songs. **

* * *

_71: There is no open mike night in Rivendell. _

Elrond rushed as regally as possible through the gigantic crowd to the center. Attempting to shout as loud as possible over the racket, he shouted, "ARAGORN! GET DOWN FROM THERE!"

Aragorn ignored Elrond, too caught up in his song. Bringing the mike to his lips, he belted out his awesome ballad. "I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT!"

Frodo decided it was his turn and snatched the mike from the Ranger. "WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE-"

Elrond unplugged the mike and shot his adoptive son and the blue-eyed hobbit the iciest glare imaginable.

* * *

_72: I will not give elves socks and exclaim, "YOU'VE BEEN FREED!"_

Normally, Elrond wouldn't have minded Aragorn giving him handmade clothes, but they were Aragorn's used socks...and they smelled like feet and were soaked with sweat.

"The kareoke night has been avenged!" Aragorn bellowed to the heavens, cackling gleefully.

* * *

_73: I will not say that Galadriel wears the pants in her and Celeborn's relationship._

Celeborn sputtered like a dying car after Pippin suggested this.

Galadriel, to everyone else's amusement, just nodded in agreement.

* * *

_74: I will not host a "manly" knitting party, nor will I invite Sauron._

"He didn't come," Gimli sighed mournfully as he put the finishing touches on a new pouch for his arrows.

"Nope," responded Aragorn dejectedly. "Hey, Gimli, do you have any red yarn? I need it to accent my super-special-awesome cloak of masculinity."

Legolas handed Aragorn the yarn, wondering why Aragorn was bothering to be in denial about their femininity. He was perfectly content with his magenta dish towels.

* * *

_75: I will not moon the Eye of Sauron._

To this day, Legolas did not know what possessed him. However, he was merely following orders; they were told to distract Sauron so Frodo and Sam could destroy the Ring during that final battle, and that was exactly what he did.

Inhaling deeply, he turned and did the most undignified act an elf can commit: he exposed his pale white behind to the great flaming eye of Sauron.

On the bright side, the distraction succeeded. On the darker side, Legolas ended up getting a third degree burn from an enemy arrow, scarring that milky butt for all eternity.

Gimli never let him live it down.

* * *

**Review or I'll sic the killer rabbit on you!**


	16. 76 through 80

**Just...a few...more! And then I'll post 444 Things I'm Not Allowed To Do In Amestris. I think I could make a whole series of these things, though I'm running out of fictional countries/places/worlds...eh, maybe the Jedi Temple could be after Amestris.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, Metal Gear Solid, Fullmetal Alchemist, Pokemon, Legend of Zelda, or Keebler.**

* * *

_76: I will not use Solid Snake's cardboard box to sneak into Mordor._

"OUCH! Smeagol, you just smashed your hand into my leg!"

"Keep it down, Master Frodo!"

"Stupid hobbitses..."

The Orc guarding the gate, Booboculus, whipped his head back and forth, though he had no hair to whip back and forth with it. He had been hearing those voices for quite some time now...but where in the confounded name of a balrog was it coming from? All there was around were himself, a few other Orcs, the gates themselves, some rocks, and a red and brown cardboard box that definitely could not be held under suspicion whatsoever.

Him and the other Orc he had teamed up with (Pasty was his name, a fine name for a strapping young Orc lad) turned their backs out of boredom. "Man, I'm bushed," Pasty complained.

Booboculus yawned as he nodded his head in agreement. "Can't believe the boss man thinks a bunch of hairy midgets are going to break in," he said, turning around...only to spot two hairy midgets and a..._thing_ emerging briefly from the still totally not suspicious box!

A red exclamation point popped into existence over Booboculus's head. "HEY!"

The thing began muttering what could only be obscenities as the odd trio fled.

* * *

_77: I will not declare myself a State Alchemist._

Aragorn yanked on the pair of gloves, which were adorned with very intricate circles that contained various symbols within. He pointed a damning finger at the Orc army as he cried out, "Let's see how you fare against the Flame Alchemist!"

He snapped his fingers...and nothing happened.

"Uh..." Gimli trailed off, not exactly sure what he should say to his comrade.

"THE PACKAGE SAID SNAPPING WOULD CAUSE AN EXPLOSION!" Aragorn screeched in fury. Howling in fury, he unsheathed his sword and charged the Orcs.

"You're doing it wrong, Aragorn, " Legolas commented nonchalantly as he clapped his hands together. Rock spikes emerged from the ground and utterly obliterated half the Orcs.

Aragorn never felt more ashamed.

* * *

_78: The Fellowship is not on a quest to capture every Pokemon._

Merry scouted through his seventeenth bush and released his seventeenth sigh. Nearby, Pippin, who must've been stalking his friend the way he kept counting how many sighs Merry gave, finally decided to ask, "Merry, there aren't any mushrooms in those bushes. _I checked. _What in the name of Mordor are ye looking for?"

Merry twisted to face his friend, and Pippin stumbled backward in horror, for Merry was wearing his ultimate rape face. "WHERE THE HECK IS PIKACHU!"

Pippin didn't reply; he was too busy fleeing for his life.

* * *

_79: When following Legolas, I will not repeat incessantly, "Hey! Look! Listen!", as he is very sensitive to that type of chatter._

"HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! HEY! HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! LISTEN! LISTEN! LOOK! HEY! HEY! LOOK! LIS-"

A perfectly aimed arrow somehow managed to pierce Gimli's helm, interrupting his tirade. For the first time ever in Gimli's presence, Legolas was fuming to the point where steam was seeping from his ears, and his face was the color of a cherry tomato. "NEVER MENTION NAVI IN MY PRESENCE EVER AGAIN!"

And Gimli had always assumed that elves never played video games...

Not that video games existed in Middle-Earth, anyway.

* * *

_80: I will not attempt to bake cookies inside Ents._

The day fire erupted in Treebeard's innards was the day Merry and Pippin were banned from ever visiting the Ents again.

It was worth it in the end, though; even Sam said they were the best cookies he had ever snacked upon.

* * *

**What was your favorite? Mine was probably 76, though I did love 77 and 78 too...Decisions, decisions.**


	17. 81 through 85

**Almost...there! Oh, yeah, I published the first chapter of 444 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do in Amestris! Fullmetal Alchemist fans, check it out, I actually think some of the rules on that list are funnier than everything from here!**

**On a different note, today I had my first IV done. They drew two vials of blood at the same time, too. Who all HATES BEING SICK? BECAUSE I SURE DO!**

**I'M IN A RAGE!**

**Anyways, I claim no ownership to Lord of the Rings, Kingdom Hearts, Nerf, or World of Warcraft.**

* * *

_81: Saruman is not Gandalf's Nobody._

Normally Saruman would dismiss every single action Wormtongue performed as irrelevant. However, this was _far _too much...

"Grima Wormtongue!" he roared. A visible aura of darkness seemed to gather about the wizard as his eyes sharpened into shards of flaming ice. "Why in the name of Mordor are you hitting me with a HOUSE KEY?"

"You're the Nobody of Gandalf!" explained the hideous traitor to Rohan. "If I don't destroy you now, you'll steal my heart for your selfish deeds!"

Saruman facepalmed. "Oh, for the love of-"

"Next thing you know, you'll be wielding lightsabers and making up silly anagrams for everyone's names! Wait, can I be Xamgri-"

"NO!"

* * *

_82: When captured by Ringwraiths, I do not have the rights to a strip search._

Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry all attempted to shrink into the underbrush as the Nazgul surrounded them. Merry, being the most sensible of the four, knew when he was defeated. He stepped forth. "All right, I surrender, but I'll have you know that I demand the rights to a strip search!"

To everyone's astonishment, one Ringwraith actually came forward and pulled on a latex glove with one loud, terrifying _slap! _

It was at this point that the hobbits decided to screw logic and draw their weapons.

* * *

_83: I will not start a Nerf war in Rivendell._

Elrond thanked his forefathers for his incredible sense of hearing as he managed to pick out the barely audible sound of his door sneakily being opened. Not even bothering to glance up, he queried, "Aragorn, what are you doing in my study?"

"SHH!" the Ranger shushed, though to Elrond it seemed pointless to quiet someone like that if you were going to be louder than an Oliphaunt stampede. He decided to spare Aragorn a glance... "Aragorn, why are you wearing two eyepatches, you dolt? And what's the yellow device you're holding?"

Aragorn groaned in agitation. "I TOLD you already to be silent-"

"I FOUND YOU!" cried Frodo as he burst through the double doors of Elrond's study (who knew hobbits carried that kind of strength?) and shot a peculiar foam dart straight at Aragorn's face. Isuldir's heir ducked just in time, but unfortunately, Elrond ended up learning the use of the eyepatches as Frodo's handy little projectile hit him right in the iris of his eyeball.

* * *

_84: No matter how amusing it would be, I will NEVER tell Sam I am plotting to kill Frodo._

It took the others three weeks to find Faramir after he had (jokingly) threatened Samwise Gamgee with the death of his beloved master. Poor Faramir had an innumerable amount of lacerations, seventeen broken bones, a missing gall bladder, an exploded appendix, and bruises that earned many bragging rights. Along with this he gained some ridiculous psychological scarring, and could not stop muttering about frying pans, midgets, and hideous, disgusting monsters. Eowyn had him sent to a therapy group, where Gollum, Grima Wormtongue, and Sauron welcomed him with open arms. They all went bowling every Wednesday, when they weren't popping bubble wrap or working out methods of escape from a straitjacket.

* * *

_85: Ignoring the battle plans entirely and simply screaming, "LEEROY JENKINS!" as I charge the entire Army of Mordor is NOT a bright idea._

"Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan!" Aragorn called to his brethren at the Black Gate. "My brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we-"

"LEEROY JENKINS!" Pippin screeched, bored already of Aragorn's epic speech. He charged headfirst into the army of Mordor and vanished from sight.

Legolas gawked at where the forces of good's lone hobbit had once stood. "Did he just-"

"Yep," said Gimli, shaking his head sadly. "At least he has chicken..."

* * *

**If you're confused by Gimli's last line, look up the Leeroy Jenkins video on Youtube.**

**What was your favorite? Mine was definitely 82!**


	18. 86 through 90

**Woohoo! I'm eating a Sour Patch Kids popsicle right now...it's six-forty in the morning. Best. Breakfast. Ever**

**Disclaimer****: Nope, I sadly still don't own Lord of the Rings, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, or any of the songs.**

* * *

_86: I will not use Rebecca Black's song "Friday" as an interrogation technique._

Gollum writhed on the torture table the Orcs had strapped him to. They'd never find where his Precious is, no! Not before Gollumses! He would have the Precious, not these nasty pig-faced-

The words to Rebecca Black's infamous song assaulted Gollum's eardrums, eliciting a long, drawn out shriek of agony from the schizo._ "It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday! Everybody's looking forward to the weekend!"_

"SHIRE! BAGGINS!"

* * *

_87: I will not sing "99 Orcs alive in the war! 99 Orcs alive! Shoot one down, it falls to the ground, that's 99 Orcs alive in the war!"_

On this particular day, Aragorn was bored. Somehow. I'm not entirely sure how any one person can be bored while in the midst of slaying some vile Orcs, but he was! So he decided to make it fun by singing the classic time-wasting song.

"_99 Orcs alive in the war! 99 Orcs alive! Shoot one down, it falls to the ground, that's 99 Orcs alive in the war!"_

Gimli next to him, joined in. "_98 Orcs alive in the war! 98 Orcs alive! Shoot one down, it falls to the ground, that's 98 Orcs alive in the war!"_

"Guys I hate this song!" Legolas exclaimed, having heard the song hundreds of time before in internet memes.

"All the more reason to sing!" said Aragorn. "_97 Orcs alive in the war! 97 Orcs alive! Shoot one down, it falls to the ground, that's 97 Orcs alive in the war!"_

* * *

_88: I will not refer to the Fellowship as "Frodo's Homeboys."_

"Yo, Frods!" Glorfindel greeted as Frodo and the Fellowship entered his domain.

"Hey! YOLO!" exclaimed Frodo. Frodo and Glorfindel the hipster handshake...but then the hipster handshake became too mainstream upon performance, so they never did it again. "How's it going for you and Glads?"

Glorfindel grinned. "Good! How is it with Frodo's Homeboys?"

Speaking of Frodo's Homeboys, they decided right then and there to ditch Frodo and his disturbing ways, with the exception of Sam.

And that is how the Fellowship truly broke.

* * *

_89: There is not Douche Bag of the Year Award and Grima Wormtongue is not the winner._

__It was just a typical day for Grima Wormtongue, with the usual routine: wake up, avoid brushing his teeth, eat a breakfast of granite oatmeal, chat with Saruman about celebrity gossip, and read steamy romance novels. He was walking out the door to fetch his usual lunch of eagle brains and dirt when he was suddenly blinded by a flash of light from a camera.

"Congrats!" exclaimed Merry as he shoved a gigantic trophy into Wormtongue's limp arms. The trophy clattered to the ground, but Pippin still took a picture of the shocked creeper anyway. "How does it feel to be Middle-Earth's first winner of the Douche Bag of the Year Award? This is a higher honor than the Nobel Prize, you know. It takes skill to be as douche-y as you."

Wormtongue burst into tears, overwhelmed by the amount of bashing the fandom did to him.

* * *

_90: We are most certainly NOT the Knights Who Say Ni!_

"Halt!"

"Aragorn, what're you-"

"We are the Knights Who Say...NI!"

"Aragorn, this is my home! Why have you rearranged my garden!"

"Ni!"

"Frodo, Samwise, you as well?"

"Ni!"

"Let me pass!"

"Maybe...NI!"

"Ow! That...stop that!"

"You may pass...if you bring us a shrubbery!"

"A shrubbery! But the nearest shrubber is roger, and he's at least two hundred miles away!"

"NI!"

"Gandalf? You're helping Amy oh so beloved son-in-law in this...how could you?"

"NI! NI! NI!"

* * *

**The popsicles are gone...I had two! **


	19. 91 through 95

**Can you believe there's only one more chapter after this? I started this years ago, and now we're reaching the end. I'll be sure to make them two of the best!**

**Also, I don't know if any of you are Kingdom Hearts fans, but I'm going to post a fic about some of the characters at Disney World. And this fic will actually have a plot, something only one of my previous fics (Craziness) has truly had!**

**And there also may be a Craziness sequel...**

**Enough of my rambling! I don't own Lord of the Rings, Skyrim, Jared's, or The Phantom of the Opera!**

* * *

_91: Gandalf cannot use the Dragon Shouts, and especially not Unrelenting Force._

Gandalf made eye contact with the Orc commander, planting his feet and scowling. He yanked his arm back and, with much hamminess, exclaimed, "FUS RO DAH!"

Nothing happened.

Legolas, next to him, noticed Gandalf's failure and aimed an arrow between the Orc's eyes, but Gimli smacked him upside the head. "You fool! His knees are down there!"

* * *

_92: I will not take Gollum to Jared's to browse through wedding rings._

At the counter of Gondor's branch of Jared's, the severely bored employee offered Sam an obviously fake smile. "Hello! How can I help you on this oh so fine day?"

Sam was not dissuaded by her sarcastic tone. "Hello, I'm here to pick out a wedding ring for my dear Rosie, and I brought my best man along! Say hello, Gollum!"

Sam hoisted up the creature, and the employee merely screamed and fled the store. Outside, Frodo could be heard yelling, "Sam, you traitor! I thought I was going to be the best man!"

Gollum, meanwhile, broke into all the different glass cases and placed every ring upon his finger. Once he realized that none of the rings would grant him the power he craved, he shrieked, "FAT HOBBIT NEEDS TO FALL INTO A VOLANCO!"

* * *

_93: Frodo's name is not "Afro Douchebaggins."_

It was the last time Frodo ever allowed Pippin to introduce him to anyone of royal blood...or anyone at all, for that matter.

* * *

_94: At the sight of Nazgul, I will not sing songs from The Phantom of the Opera._

The Nazgul completed their ascent up the cliffs, and Pippin, Sam, and Merry readied their weapons. Frodo, however, decided to sing (off-key, for that matter).

_"Night-time sharpens,_

_heightens each sensation _

_Darkness stirs and wakes imagination_

_Silently the senses abandon their defenses - _AHH!"

It was a little known fact that Nazgul despised musical numbers, and Frodo paid for his ignorance by being brutally stabbed.

* * *

_95: Gandalf does not need a "Rider's License" to ride Shadowfax, nor must he prove he can parallel park his steed._

Scowling in frustration, Gandalf aimed an impatient finger at Aragorn. "I've told you before, this parking is fine!"

As if to prove his point, Aragorn pointed at the wooden wall Shadowfax had leveled after he had tried to "back up."

Aragorn shook his head sadly. "Gandalf, you're not going to pass your rider's test if you can't even put your steed in reverse properly-"

"THERE IS NO TEST, YOU IMBECILE!"

* * *

**So which was your favorite this time? As a Skyrim fan, I have to go with 91.**


	20. 96 through 100

**Well, guys, here it is. The end. It's better a little more than two years, and this is finally coming to a close...**

**Here's to making it the best chapter yet. And you guys all better review this time! all two hundred or so of you, plus any new readers! I slaved away making this list, you know!**

**So far the last time, I don't own Lord of the Rings, Chuck Norris, Pokemon, American Idol, Nerf, Target, or Monty Python and the Holy Grail. **

* * *

_96: I will not host the Support Mordor Bake Sale in Minas Tirith._

"Get your Mount Doom lava cookies!" Pippin ordered to the masses as the citizens of Minas Tirith passed by his gaudily decorated booth. A majority of them cast him death glares, but a few of the elderly and children actually dared to approach his Black and orange eyesore.

Faramir, who had just returned from his mission, raised an astonished eyebrow and strolled toward the bake sale.

"Hello there!" Pippin called. He held up two packages and asked, "Would you like the Orcerdoodles or the Eye of Sauron cupcakes?"

Moments later, the booth was torn to shreds and set aflame, and Pippin was fleeing from the furious lynch mob at his hairy hobbit heels.

* * *

_97: Aragorn is NOT Chuck Norris, the Texas Ranger. Suggesting so will be my doom._

One day during the Fellowship's long, ridiculous, eventful journey that was more of them walking than anything eventful happening at all, Aragorn was bored. Very, truly, insanely bored. After all, you could only walk past so many trees in two months before they all looked the same.

So, to pass the time, he started creating absurd facts about himself, stealing them from the one man even Sauron wet his pants when faced with.

"Aragorn has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead, it's just afraid to move."

Every other member of the Fellowship exchanged incredulous glances. "Aragorn," murmured Boromir, "is there any particular reason why you're talking in third person?"

"He's finally gone insane!" cheered Pippin. "Welcome to the dark side, Strider!"

"Crazy, huh?" Sam muttered. "Guess that explains why he stole _his _joke."

Everyone except Aragorn shuddered, whereas the Ranger himself just continued, "Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Aragorn stories. Aragorn died twenty years ago, Death just hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet. Aragorn won American Idol using sign language."

Legolas facepalmed, which was a rare sight; these days, you never saw an elf besides Elrond do that.

"Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Aragorn is logic."

Finally, the vexed Legoas stepped in front of Aragorn. "Aragorn, don't you think that's enough? What if _he _comes after you? We require nine members for this journey!"

"Aragorn invented black," was the Ranger's answer to Legolas's frightful question. "In fact, he invented all the colors in the color spectrum...except pink. Legolas invented pink. Aragorn won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards. Aragorn-"

Out of nowhere, a fancy boot flew through the air and roundhouse kicked Aragorn in the face. Everyone else left the unconscious Ranger behind with his face planted in the mud, saying he had it coming.

* * *

_98: Guns are not ideal weapons in Middle-Earth._

In the midst of the Battle of the Morannon, Gimli and Aragorn took cover together behind a nifty, very beautiful (to them, anyways) boulder to avoid the enemy's barrage of flaming arrows. "There's too many of them!"

Aragorn was about to give Gimli one of his super rousing motivational speeches (Gimli wasn't a son of Gondor or Rohan, so he had felt left out of Aragorn's previous speech of awesome) when a peculiar sound reached his ears. "Listen, Gimli. Do you hear that?"

_HUB-HUB-HUB-HUB-HUB-_

Aragorn and Gimli covered their heads with their arms as several metal projectiles sailed over their marvelous boulder and penetrated Orc skulls. Far above them, Eowyn, Faramir, and Merry had come to the rescue in a bizarre metal flying contraption that appeared to be held up only by a gigantic propeller. Eowyn and Merry were armed with unusual metal weapons and Faramir was seemingly steering it.

"EAT LEAD, ORCS!" Eowyn shrieked with the glee of a blood knight as she fired her weapon.

The army of good could only gawk.

* * *

_99: I will not propose to Gollum using the One Ring. If he says yes, I will not exclaim, "Psych!" and slip on the Ring._

"Stinker - I mean Smeagol," Sam corrected himself quickly and turned to face the...former hobbit in a loincloth. He gulped nervously. "I don't know how to say this to you..."

Gollum upturned both his nose and his lip at Sam. "What does nasty fat hobbitsy want with Smeagol?"

Sam, meanwhile, just could not spit it out. "Well, we've been travelling together for a while...and I've come to know and respect you." Smeagol raised a nonexistent eyebrow but, for once, refrained from mercilessly insulting the chubby gardener. "Some might even say I lo...lo...Oh screw it." Sam got down on one knee and raised out Smeagol's ultimate treasure in his hand: the One Ring. "Will you marry me, Gollum Smeagol Slinker Stinker Cupcake the Shih Tzu the third, the kinda love of my life who isn't anywhere near as pretty as Rosie?"

Smeagol, enticed by his beloved precious _(PRECIOUS!), _could only blurt out a joyful, "YES, NASTY HOBBIT!"

Then, to Smeagol's horror, the doting smile on Sam's face transformed into a nasty, wicked grin. "Psych!" he slipped on the Ring, and Smeagol screamed in fury.

If one looked at Frodo closely, one would see Frodo handing an invisible hand twenty dollars and saying, "You're crazy, Sam."

* * *

_100: I will not reenact the Battle of the Morannon as a musical, complete with a Nazgul kick line and Legolas being played by a woman._

The curtain rolled open, and a bishonen Aragorn, a female Legolas, and someone who somehow looked exactly like Gimli (the play was already set to win Best Makeup at the Tony Awards) paraded onto the terribly built set.

_"Men of Gondor! Men of Rohan!"_ Aragorn's actor belted out in a deep baritone voice. _"Our time has finally come! And if we triumph in this battle, we'll chug our weight in rum!"_

_"I do like rum, I do like rum, it makes me go yum yum!"_ Gimli's actor added. After the play's run was over on Broadway, it was easy to see why they only performed two shows, what with lines like this.

Legolas's actress scratched the back of her head. _"My elven looks will pull us through! If we don't survive, now, don't look blue! My fan girls will come and they will brew up chaos in our wake!" _

"Arrogant much..." Gimli's actor muttered.

The great war began, and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli began hacking through the enemy ranks with the Nerf foam weapons they had bought at Target for fourteen ninety-nine apiece.

But then the Nazgul arrived on the scene! Oh nooooo!

Rather than do anything actually frightening, the Nazgul formed a nice little line and went low kick right, low kick left, medium kick right, medium kick left, as they sang, _"We're men of the land Mordor! When Sauron gives an order, we go and chop around the block until our enemies smolder!"_

"Wrong musical, guys!" Aragorn's actor reprimanded as he chopped one Ringwraith's head off mid high kick.

* * *

**...And there we have it, guys. The end. THE. END. I'm not done writing at all, just for this fic! I have other fics, if you guys are interested, as well as my other list, 444 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do in Amestris.**

**Thanks to all my reviewers! Special thanks go to ThisMortalCoil, who helped me get past much writer's block; every member of the Random Order, for the same thing; LochNessieMonster on Deviantart, for drawing fan art of the number 2 on this list; the makers of all the pop culture I reference in this story; and my dog, for being awesome. **

**No thanks go out to dairy farmers, who try to supply America with the nightmare that is milk. I do thank them for yogurt, though...the only decent dairy product out there.**

**If you guys want to help em make my way to my dream number of one thousand reviews, that'd be nice. Equivalent Exchange! It's the policy I live by! A review for a great story that a writer put so much work into!**

**T-t-t-that's all, folks!**


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